i can be decisive, when i want to be. but why should i be decisive now when i’ve got so many interests and so many hobbies and so many things i want to do? why should i limit myself in any way shape or form? what does that do for me?

why can’t i just decide what i want to do? even just for a couple years?

remember when a couple years was a looooooong time? yeah, well, it’s been a couple years since i’ve been out of college. seems just like yesterday. course, i just happened to check out the roster of the football team at USD and there’s so many people i don’t know – the coaches are all different, the players i know are limited – and i betcha it’d be the same thing if i went back and checkt all the other sports. man, that dome was my life in college. maybe you don’t understand it, but that dome was who i was for 5 years of my life. during two-a-days in college, every waking hour was football and that was the best times ever. even between practices we’d be playin football on the playstations (ps2 came out later)… during the school year i spent an average of 9 or 10 hours a day in that dome. whether it was for practice or getting treatments in the training room – or whether it was i just had no where else to go. to say i miss that is an understatement and a half. now, i’m thinking, if i ever go back there i won’t know it. i won’t know my own ‘home away from home’. and that brings tears to my eyes.

i spent this last week coaching my highschool football team. i’m an assistant coach on volunteer basis. since the work place i ‘work’ for is being retarded, i spent the majority of this past week on my old old ‘home away from home’. the thing is, the coaching staff is still there for the most part from when i was there. they know me and the new coaches know me from last year when i coached. even all the kids know me as i’ve been lifting and running with them and i’ve been around them the last year and a half. i really enjoy coaching – helping the kids learn football. this week has been awesome.

why’s things gotta be changin all the time? sometimes i wish i could just be back in college where i knew everyone in the dome and the dome was my home. i could walk that place blindfolded and i knew every inch of that place. (i just wrote place twice and it’s bothering me, does it bother you?) then again, there are those times i wish i could just move on…

i think i know my problem – i’m still here. yes, it’s sad i know, but i’m still living at home with the ‘rents. it’s the only way i can afford to live right now (that’s what happens when you put in a whoppin two hours of work a week). but i need to leave. i need to get out again. i don’t have to go far – but i have to pack up my things and i have to go. i need a reason to be gone from here. right now i have too many things that are keeping me here. katie, football, coaching, that pathetic job thing… i’m living in a constant world of change – i feel like i don’t have a home home. cuz i dont. i don’t have a place that’s mine. that’s what i need, somewhere that’s MINE. i don’t see that happening anytime soon. that, too, is depressing.

whoa, what a rambling mess of words and sentence fragments this clusterpost has become, eh? well, maybe that’ll give those who read this an idea of what messed up thought processes are goin through my head… for now, i’m out.

2 thoughts on “choices

  1. I feel you man. What are we here for? What is the purpose of my life? I have been wondering that for a while. It better not be sitting in front of a computer the rest of my life and making money for "the Man."

  2. I’ve been feeling exactly the same way, except design for me is what football is for you. In fact, i think i was getting really down and depressed for a while — i am not going to lie to you, I am not a very big fan of vermillion. i started reading the "purpose drive life" and in one of the chapters it said something along the lines of "EVERYTHING happens for a reason, it’s not a mistake or an accident you are where you are, so there is no point of getting frustrated because God will use this time, circumstances, whatever else, gor something good". It doesn’t make me love Vermillion any more but it gives me peace and a little comfort, knowing that there is a reason why I am here.

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