one of the coolest things ever written

i am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. i have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. i translate ethnic slurs for cuban refugees, i write award-winning operas, i manage time efficiently.

occasionally, i tread water for three days in a row.

i woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, i can pilot bicycles up sever inclines with unflagging speed and i cook thirty-minute brownies in twenty minutes. i am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love and an outlaw in peru.

using only a hoe and a glass of water, i once single-handedly defended a small village in the amazon basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. i play bluegrass cello, i was scoute by the mets, i am the subject of numerous documentaries. when i’m bored, i build large suspension bridges in my yard. i enjoy urban hang gliding. on wednesdays, after school, i repair electical appliances free of charge.

i am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst and a ruthless bookie. critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. i don’t perspire. i am a private citizen, yet i recieve fan mail. i have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. last summer, i toured new jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. i bat 400.

my deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. children trust me.

i can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. i once read paradise lost, moby dick and david copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. i know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. i have performed several covert operations with the cia. i sleep once a week; when i do sleep, i sleep in a small chair. while on vacation in canada, i successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. the laws of physics do not apply to me

i balance, i weave, i dodge, i frolic and my bills are all paid. on weekends, to let off steam, i participate in full-contact origami. years ago, i discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. i have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven

i breed prize-winning clams. i have won bullfights in san juan, cliff-diving competitions in sri lanka and spelling bees at the kremlin. i have played hamlet, i have performed open-heart surgery and have spoken with elvis.

**this, unfortunately, is not my original work – i got this a while ago (when i graduated HS) from someone. i recently came across it when i was cleaning my room, and it made eric giggle. this is an actual essay written by a college applicant to NYU… the author was accepted and attended said university.

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